When service only keeps you busy ...

I am dragging.  I remember writing out a list of goals that I would want by the year 2000 in Young Women's and I have accomplished them all.  I try to think of new goals or adventures to put on a bucket list, and nothing comes to mind as truly desirable.  Nothing seems fun anymore.  There is nothing to look forward to.  Hubby describes what he wants retirement to be like, and I hope that I die before then.  All travel and exercise ... he better find a second wife for that.  I consistently say that my "second husband" will be a golden retriever. 

Basically unemployed at this point.  And I don't expect that business will pick up anytime soon.  With Thing 1 and Thing 2 still in elementary school, I don't feel right about full-time work.  I got a resume from a newer EIT that must have written every engineering firm in St. Louis ... and addressed the envelopes with a manual/ribbon type typewriter.  No graduation date, no grade point average, and a work history non-engineering that goes back at least a decade.  The handwriting on the signature looked old to me and it was on cheap paper.  Hope they find success somewhere.  Maybe that will be me in 20 years.

Ides of September

My kiddos have been in school about a month.  I talked with my sister yesterday, her kiddos started after labor day ... while the conversation was a little hard, no harder than other conversations I have had as I am not the greatest at conversing.  I absorb from her so much pain; I just wish I knew if it reduces her burden at all.  I could hardly get anything done today and there was little that had to be done.  She is having the impressions that she just needs to be patient right now.  That is easier said than done, but it must be the right thing for her right now.  Well-meaning folks have been giving her leads on job opportunities, but none of them have been right for somebody with kids the age hers are.  In my various readings, I collect quotes that I think might be uplifting to her.  And, pass them along.  I want to do something, but am too far and can't think of what would be helpful to a 43 yr old widow.  It isn't fair that she misses him so.  It isn't fair that the things that she misses about him, I bite my tongue when I think that at least she had those qualities for 20 years.  Some of us are still aching for understanding and feeling understood.  And absorb the 1 negative and forget the 20 positive comments.  Enduring to the end ain't easy.    

Dear Mike and Monica,

Memory is a funny thing and I know mine is very flawed.  Much as I try,  I do not remember positive things very well.  Positive memories that I do have, others that I thought present have declared the memories false.  So, I have drawn the conclusion that my seratonin deprived brain has skewed all memories and I trust none but the very concrete facts.  My sister has requested that we write memories of her husband Mike as soon as possible so that they are fresh ... and so her son, Quinn, will have a book of memories to learn about his father.

I remember Mike riding a motorcycle, and Monica sneaking a ride on the back even though Grandpa LH would write her out of the will if he had known.

I remember the Thanksgiving dinner that the four of us made, (Mike, Monica, Steve and I) and that the gravy Steve and I made had lumps.  Mike always promised that he would teach us to make gravy after that.  Since Steve and I make gravy differently, not sure that we ever got those lessons.

I remember Mike being very patient with the whole clan at their wedding.  I remember Mike being very good to Monica, and putting up with her strong will and definite ideas.

I remember Mike saying something about how it wasn't anything of a challenge to cook for us because we would just wolf down anything.

I remember Mike being willing share his talent to cook for any and all of the large family gatherings such as wedding receptions, etc. regardless that he wasn't sure that we would eat it slow enough to taste it.

I remember not being able to get very close to Mike and that he related much better to Steve ... the more normal one of our family.

I have the most memories of the family reunions at Seaside and how much he liked to play with the kids.  He went on bumper cars, went bowling, played basketball, made sandcastles and rode the bike gondolas with more energy than anyone else.

I wish I had more to say, I wish that I had more positive to say ... perhaps I will let percolate and try again later.