Shoot, I am thinking again.

"Our task is to become our best selves. One of God's greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final."--Thomas S. Monson, "The Will Within," Ensign, May 1987, 67

As I believe that some of my current challenges come from a natural predisposition to being depressed, the will isn't going be able to remove that challenge.  Does it then become a sin not to use mood-altering drugs?

Twin quilt for Luke

On a lighter note, I finished a project that has been three years in the making.

Where the Butt stops ...

Would you ever buy a couch that your significant other isn't comfortable on?  He bought a behemoth leather flop sectional couch that sits taking up most of the room in front of the TV.  If I watched much TV, I might have objected.  But, even when I do wish to watch, I am now relegated to a separate chair on the fringe of the room.  It hit me that I would never have done that to him regardless of how much TV he does or doesn't watch.   

When service only keeps you busy ...

I am dragging.  I remember writing out a list of goals that I would want by the year 2000 in Young Women's and I have accomplished them all.  I try to think of new goals or adventures to put on a bucket list, and nothing comes to mind as truly desirable.  Nothing seems fun anymore.  There is nothing to look forward to.  Hubby describes what he wants retirement to be like, and I hope that I die before then.  All travel and exercise ... he better find a second wife for that.  I consistently say that my "second husband" will be a golden retriever. 

Basically unemployed at this point.  And I don't expect that business will pick up anytime soon.  With Thing 1 and Thing 2 still in elementary school, I don't feel right about full-time work.  I got a resume from a newer EIT that must have written every engineering firm in St. Louis ... and addressed the envelopes with a manual/ribbon type typewriter.  No graduation date, no grade point average, and a work history non-engineering that goes back at least a decade.  The handwriting on the signature looked old to me and it was on cheap paper.  Hope they find success somewhere.  Maybe that will be me in 20 years.

Ides of September

My kiddos have been in school about a month.  I talked with my sister yesterday, her kiddos started after labor day ... while the conversation was a little hard, no harder than other conversations I have had as I am not the greatest at conversing.  I absorb from her so much pain; I just wish I knew if it reduces her burden at all.  I could hardly get anything done today and there was little that had to be done.  She is having the impressions that she just needs to be patient right now.  That is easier said than done, but it must be the right thing for her right now.  Well-meaning folks have been giving her leads on job opportunities, but none of them have been right for somebody with kids the age hers are.  In my various readings, I collect quotes that I think might be uplifting to her.  And, pass them along.  I want to do something, but am too far and can't think of what would be helpful to a 43 yr old widow.  It isn't fair that she misses him so.  It isn't fair that the things that she misses about him, I bite my tongue when I think that at least she had those qualities for 20 years.  Some of us are still aching for understanding and feeling understood.  And absorb the 1 negative and forget the 20 positive comments.  Enduring to the end ain't easy.    

Dear Mike and Monica,

Memory is a funny thing and I know mine is very flawed.  Much as I try,  I do not remember positive things very well.  Positive memories that I do have, others that I thought present have declared the memories false.  So, I have drawn the conclusion that my seratonin deprived brain has skewed all memories and I trust none but the very concrete facts.  My sister has requested that we write memories of her husband Mike as soon as possible so that they are fresh ... and so her son, Quinn, will have a book of memories to learn about his father.

I remember Mike riding a motorcycle, and Monica sneaking a ride on the back even though Grandpa LH would write her out of the will if he had known.

I remember the Thanksgiving dinner that the four of us made, (Mike, Monica, Steve and I) and that the gravy Steve and I made had lumps.  Mike always promised that he would teach us to make gravy after that.  Since Steve and I make gravy differently, not sure that we ever got those lessons.

I remember Mike being very patient with the whole clan at their wedding.  I remember Mike being very good to Monica, and putting up with her strong will and definite ideas.

I remember Mike saying something about how it wasn't anything of a challenge to cook for us because we would just wolf down anything.

I remember Mike being willing share his talent to cook for any and all of the large family gatherings such as wedding receptions, etc. regardless that he wasn't sure that we would eat it slow enough to taste it.

I remember not being able to get very close to Mike and that he related much better to Steve ... the more normal one of our family.

I have the most memories of the family reunions at Seaside and how much he liked to play with the kids.  He went on bumper cars, went bowling, played basketball, made sandcastles and rode the bike gondolas with more energy than anyone else.

I wish I had more to say, I wish that I had more positive to say ... perhaps I will let percolate and try again later.

On a positive note ...

I got the all clear on a health matter.  Okay so the bod is doing something a little weird, but it isn't something that the medical community worries about.  The family is coming down with the two-weeks-into school cold and I thought I might be getting it yesterday as my head felt all weird-spacey.  I had let Luke and Stone stay home from school.  Luke built a cardboard bi-plane all while hacking up a lung, so his energy was pretty good.  He didn't sound so bad today, so I sent him in all medicated.  Unfortunately, psuedoephedrine wears off just after lunch.  I suspect Stone had a case of "me too" as he didn't start coughing and had plenty of energy.  With regular routine of school, and the greater family stuff (reunion, wedding, funeral, etc.) taken care off ... I am hoping to get some long neglected projects underway.

My spirit is weighed down ...

My BIL has been fighting lung cancer for the last two years.  On Wednesday, he lost his battle.  He was a wonderful human being and a fantastic chef.  Even though we knew that the end was coming, it hurts.  Even though they live 3000 miles away from me and I only saw them every two years, it hurts.  Even though I have known him for twenty five years, it hurts.  There is no logic to the way I feel, and I don't even feel I have the right to feel this bad.

Consignment quilt finished last spring

This is a portion of a quilt that I did for a friend's daughter/first grandboy.  It was a new pattern for me and I liked the challenge.  The first picture is when I was deciding the borders.  Sometimes things look different to me through the camera, so I take a picture!  My friend picked out the fabrics and then let me keep the extra!  I did add the offwhite w/stars and the blue in the trim from my stash, but have completed 90% of another quilt with the leftover scraps. 
They were thrilled with the quilt and her hubby loved the colors.  Unbeknownst to me or my friend, hubby's mother is an award winning quilter who presented them with a lovely quilt as well ... but they felt it was "girly"  Like a baby is going to care, sigh. 

Catching up on documenting things I have actually finished!  This summer has been kind of crazy as any mother with children still at home knows.  I do miss my kids away at school, but do also really enjoy the regular schedule.

Recently finished quilt for nephew

Saw a friendship star based quilt ... and saw one of those quilts that takes a motif and repeats it different sizes.  So, I gave the combination a whirl.  Next try, I will make the large stars more separated and the small stars smaller.  The lightest version of the small blocks, I think needs to be lighter still.







Here is a detail from the name I appliqued on.  The kids really like to have their names on the quilts in a large family especially.  But, I didn't want the name to obscure the design.  I went with a sparkly-sheer organza, so it is kind of hard to see in the full-shot.  It is smooth to the touch and held up under the first washing.  The white outline is partly the white thread, but also partly the white paper I used to stabilize.  It may or may not work it's way out.

Spring Break 2010

Well we spent half our spring break in the car traveling to and from Utah from the Midwest. We drove another 700 miles around the Salt Lake Valley. Visited with two of my siblings and their families and two of Steve's acquaintances from his mission. Other than wishing that I understood more Spanish, I thought that the visits went rather well. They both have daughters around Garrett's age.

We got to see Garrett, my oldest, who is at BYU and attempting to earn a spot on the playing field for football. And, we got to meet Julie, the girl he is sort of dating. She is very pretty and friendly. He wasn't overly warm with her or particularly wanting us to meet her ... but that might just be Garrett wanting to keep things light and not push things with her. We got to watch his practice Thursday and then took him out to dinner at what was our splurge place when we were at college at the Brick Oven Pizza. I think it was called Heaps' back in the day.

Tuesday, Steve took Rane skiing and Luke snowboarding. Rane did okay, and Luke did okay after a lesson. But, only Luke wanted to go again. Stone and I slept in, went to McD's for breakfast. Then the motel pool and by the time we were ready for lunch the ski bunnies were on their way home. Dinner was with the Porters.

Monday we visited with the Deardens in Farmington then dinner with the Flores. Wednesday we visited with Tripps in Springville.

Friday we headed home and though some of the roads were kind of bad, another family who left at a similar time got home six hours later.

It was 18 hours of driving to get there and about 20 to get home. We did some Redbox movies and had purchased two new movies. Even still, I got very tired of sitting. Tried to put things in perspective that our kids have ancestors on both sides that walked the same distance in 2 to 3 months time. Bet they were healthier for it.

As a test run for summer, Steve is now searching for airfares for our family reunion in Seaside. It would be almost twice as much driving. But if we fly, we wouldn't get to see Garrett mid-way.

Feeling so impotent ...

My sister's husband has lung cancer. He has had it for the past 18 months. He is only 46 years old and a non-smoker (at least since high school!). They live 3000 miles away. Or rather I live that far from them. He is struggling this week and I can't do anything about it. I can't cook them dinner, I can't help watch the kids, I can't drive Chelsey to the airport. I don't have oodles of money to hire people to do those things for me. I have felt guilty about having my very healthy and ravenous family around me this Christmas. We did a fairly small Christmas this year compared to some years, but it was full of family and no major emotional catastrophies (or ER visits.)

I have decided to make her a necklace of beads. It may be dumb and I am not very experienced at such things, but is is something I can do and she will know that I spent time thinking of her and weaving good thoughts and hopes for her into the selection of beads.